C’s blog

Cness

 Directions! Now, Here Is What You Are Supposed To Do…This is Just For
Fun! Hit Forward, Delete My Answers And Type In Your Answers. Then
Send This To A Whole Bunch Of People That You Know…And Send It Back To
Me So I Can See Your Answers, The Theory Is That You Will Learn A Lot Of
Little Known Facts About Those You Know. Remember To Send It Back !

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

Nope I am one of a kind!

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Two weeks ago when I realized it’s actually not possible to be a pepper
too.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING

I do, but the analysist said I may have some issues.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

Bologna, what can I say I dig 3% foreign matter.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

Yes, his name is Canoea, but he prefers to be called Canoe. That 15
cents a day goes a long way in Sierra Leone.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

No, but I’d be down for a one-nighter!

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?

I prefer splenda.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

No, I’m a girl STUPID!

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

Depends on who is holding the other end of the Bungee.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

Given the current Economic status of our Country I have been grinding my
own cookies to produce a cookie crisp type cereal. Let me know if you
want the recipe!

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

Is it bad that my shoes have velcro straps?

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

We are strong! No one can tell us we’re wrong, both of us knowing for so
long…. Love is a battlefield.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

My milkshake, because it brings all the boys to the yard!

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

T and A, sometimes shoes.

15. RED OR PINK?

Pink….

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?

My cuticles.+

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

Red Fraggle, the whole cast really.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?

That would be super!

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?

I knew I forgot something this morning….DAMN IT!

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

A cheeseburger happy meal, because it makes me happy!

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?

The sound of silence.

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

Wild blue yonder circa 2003.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?

N/A – Guess!

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?

A Mr. Don Key – 602-273-1341 – Call him!

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?

Sure and for $5 you can to!

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

Synchronized swimming and Basket weaving.

27. HAIR COLOR?

#713

28. EYE COLOR?

Hazel.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

Nope, I have worn goggles before though.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?

Miso soup, seriously!

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

Alas they are one in the same, now…………

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

Thomas the train.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?

Green and purple polka dots.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?

Hubba Bubba.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?

Maggie, IF she had opposable thumbs.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND

God, he sounded busy!

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

The book of questions.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

My mouse! Seriously call Mr. Don Key!

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?

Swat.

42. FAVORITE SOUNDS?

A toilet flushing….twice!

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?

Who rolls stones at beatles??? That is just mean!

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?

Jupiter, sure I was dreaming, does it matter? Judgers……….

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

Many! All viewable on youporn.com.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

In a hospital room.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?

Mine! I cc’d myself!

S.S. Mother Ship

Seperation Sunday came early this week. The kids are going back to their dad’s today for a camping trip that had to take place smack dab in the middle of my time with them.

I don’t know what makes me feel worse, the fact that I only got 3 days to cuddle with them this week or the fact that my ex-husband once again has found a way to make me feel like I have toothpicks jammed into  my gums.

Love Tap

In the middle of the night my forehead was attacked by my husbands Juggernaught elbow. I’m not exactly sure what time it was but it was somewhere in between my dream of Preston shopping at a Christmas store and the dream that I created a cartoon character named Plato (pronounced platt-toe). I don’t remember anything about this sweet tap of love besides my inner-monologue exclaiming “This really hurts Aimee! It’s a good thing you are too sleepy to feel it!”.

Kevin cutely and desperately apologized and reached out to sooth my head. I realized (as well as a dreamy Aimee can) that my inner-monologue must not get any sleep, becuase I know she considered dramatically stringing him along to make him think I was in so much  more pain than I was only to get more attention from him.

But then she blacked out.

I Know. I’m going to hell.

The kids had an open house for the end of the first session at their summer camp. Which means, to me, that my ex and his new wife and his new kids will be there. To some women, this might be hurtful to witness. But to me, it’s one of the most selfish acts resulting in pure enjoyment for none other than moi. It’s my time to reap some reward from that mother fucker.

 

If looking hotter than your ex-husband’s new wife was a sport then this would be a god-damned Olympic event and I would be the god-damned gold medalist.

 

I should feel guilty about this just like I should feel guilty about the time that I noticed Preston forget to put that toy on the check out counter. But I can’t! That man forced me to put everything beautiful and fun on hold for an entire 7 years of my life . As if 7, SEVEN, years was bad enough, they were the SEVEN most ridiculously, immature years. You know the ones, age 16-23, when life actually becomes fun? When flashing your tits down Scottsdale road was a right of passage.  When Keg stands in mini skirts and crunch studying fueled by Jolt Cola and dark chocolate was the standard for a mid-term. I missed it all. So, nope, no guilt here.

 

The key is to stand right next to her and watch the face of the person we are being introduced to. If I could be a face reader for a career I would be a millionaire. You see the eyebrows relaxed and the lips curl, extend the hand, “It’s nice to meet you Current Wife.” Then the eyebrows rise and the eyes get sparkly I swear I see the word sex swimming deep in their pupils as they step in and go for the close encounter hand shake. It’s completely shallow and I am sure I will suffer some super terrible karma for it but it feels SO good.

 

Thank you ex husband for making me feel like a goddess even when you don’t mean to.

Happy Birthday Haylee

Two days ago I was sobbing over this keyboard, delighting in the emotion that I was feeling but unable to finish a single task because of it. I began to write a post but only made it halfway through paragraph two. There was so much I wanted to say but the emotional flash flood that was occurring inside my skin was just too much for me to explain. So I waited for the storm to pass and finished it, albeit two days late:

 

On this day, twelve years ago, I became a mother. I was nineteen years old and yes, I knew exactly how life altering it would be. I knew I never wanted to have kids. I knew that becoming pregnant was an act of negligence. People said I was nowhere near responsible enough to be a parent and I knew that too. But somewhere between  my water breaking in my hovel of an apartment and being admitted into the maternity ward, I realized that I could not only overcome this obstacle, I was going to bull doze it with a mother fucking monster truck.

 

I gave birth toHaylee The Magnificent after 22 hours of hard labor without my mother there for me, without a loving husband and without uttering one god-dammed cuss word. It was obvious that Haylee was starting her job as mediator and care-taker from her Day 1.

 

If it weren’t for her I would have felt completely alone. Sure there were lots of familiar faces present but there was no one there that could be on my level, completely, and reach me in those dark crevices that I tend to lurk in. But she found  me there and together we worked hard to bring her into this world.

 

Once she made her grand entrance into the cold hospital room she never cried. She was unlike any other baby I had ever met. She dominated the baby nation with her stoic demeanor and superior tolerance. Most babies would scream until their tonsils bled if they heard a dog bark or an air horn at a loud football game. But Haylee would lift her chin and spit baby drool on them in disgust. She was perfection with icing on top. The day that her ear drums burst because of a nasty ear infection was the first time she ever got fussy and I was so scared because it was so unlike her. And although the pain must have been excruciating she calmed down to look at the rain while I comforted her on the porch. Through all her years she has been my Magnificent.

 

Some day she’s going to grow up and and she will need me less and less, but I will never stop needing her.

Hobbies

I think I am creating a new hobby for myself, besides self-mamograms, to collect things that are reminiscent of my child hood. You see, mine was a crazy child hood. There was a lot of moving around and giving up the things I loved, so anytime I come across something I once held dear, I do a little cart-wheel. This is one of them:

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mille_Bornes

 I cheated once and kept the “Driving Ace” card in my pocket. Sorry Nathan!

Opposite Sex

I just got totally ‘dissed in the office. Maybe it was my fault:

 

Aimee: Hey guys did you know that there is extra plastic-ware in the second drawer?

Guys: Wha?

Aimee: Did you seriously not hear a word I just said?

Guys: Whoa!

Guys: No we didn’t.

Guys: Aggressive, Aimee.

Aimee: Well my kids at home do that when they aren’t sure how to reply. So I just…

Guys: Aimee why don’t you have a 16 ounce glass of shut the fuck up. *laughter ensues*

Aimee: …

Guys: You’re still standing there.

 

The End.

 

Sometimes I love the boyish rough housing in this office. Sometimes the testosterone makes me glad I’m one of two women in this office. Then there are days like today.

Introducing Haylee “The Magnificent “!!!

My daughter Haylee and I are embarking on a new adventure in our lives. She is starting her very first business in babysitting and I am trying my hand at blogging. I’m shyly approaching this new journey while Haylee in all her magnificence is diving in. She is exactly like me minus years of rejection and pain. Seriously Haylee, if you are reading this, don’t ever change!

The below is a conversation between her and I on Tuesday night in the kitchen:

Haylee: Mom. I’d like to have some business cards to pass out to family and friends for my babysitting job.

Me: *eyes swelling with pride*

Haylee: And what do you think about maybe a website with an online calender that way people will know when I am available. Or do you think that’s not safe?

Me: You are magnificent!

 

 

 

The Forgotten

Hello Readers. I’m going to skip the whole,”Hi my name is Aimee and this blog is gonna be all about…” and just get to it.

June 6th was my husband Kevin’s 30th Birthday. He woke up that morning complaining of a back ache. After lunch he noticed he had heart burn and the next day he forgot his cup cakes in the hotel.

Sounds like someone has a case of the Thirties!